FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
