why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
