I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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