i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
