I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
