Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
