Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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