oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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