I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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