On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
