So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
