he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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