I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
