I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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