Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
