at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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