: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
