You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
