@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
