somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
