He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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