Tell her she can't have a vagina
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
