Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Randomize
