there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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