At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
