I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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