I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
