Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
