Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
