i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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