i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
