I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
