Where is the hickey?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
