i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
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