i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
