I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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