My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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