You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I am one with the molecules
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
