dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
