But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
And then my night got REAL pukey
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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