you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
