I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I need a beard to bite.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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