I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You smell like stripper and shame
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
