Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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