Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
