My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
