You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
