lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
