Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
