I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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